‘A’ is for Ambitious: 30th Birthday Reflections

“Hi, my name is Ashlee, and i’m ambitious.”

For as long as I can remember, that’s been my opening line whenever I found myself stuck in some social situation that required that annoying ice breaker. You know, the one where you have to use an adjective that describes you and starts with the first letter of your name. Ambition. That word grew on me ’til it stuck on me. And it’s not a bad thing, but for a woman, especially a Black woman, that word is loaded. It’s heavy. And no one prepares you for its weight. You just strive, and you try to find ways to balance the weight while trying to make sense of it.

Last week, I found myself staring into my bathroom mirror in the middle of the night, searching for my younger self, trying to see if I could still see her in the depths of my own eyes (maybe this quarantine life is getting to me, because I was definitely having a moment). I struggled at first, but then I finally got my eyes to gaze into the past and focus on the image of a familiar face — a face filled with wonder, curiosity, and sass, and I was proud. I was proud of my journey, as my eyes struggled to zip past the experiences of my 20s and teens to focus on the image of 5-year-old Ashlee (for some reason, that’s as far back as my memory of my younger self goes). I was proud of the fact that although everything hasn’t gone the way toddler me imagined, and teenage me planned, I can still look at myself in the mirror and not shudder. I can stare. I can gaze. I can reflect, and feel...peace. It comforted me and broke me down all at once.

Young Ashlee filled with wonder, curiosity, and that sass!

I broke down and cried because it was the first time in a long time that i’ve had a moment to pause and just reflect on my existence in this vast world. For the past 10 years, and recent months, I’ve just been going…from academic programs, to new jobs, to new ventures, to speaking engagements…just going and going and not stopping. And that’s the scary thing about adulthood. Your life all of a sudden picks up out of nowhere and you feel like you don’t have time to process any of it. So here I am now…processing. And if I can be completely honest, I am actually grieving the end of my twenties, because it was an epic decade. I spent years journaling about what my twenties would be like, and it surpassed my expectations (thank God I didn’t get married at 25 like I imagined!). I’ve learned and unlearned so much in the past 10 years, and I finally feel like i’m beginning to feel at home with myself. As Tracee Ellis Ross so eloquently put it, “I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.” I’m learning that I don’t have to be defined by my ambition; the work I do and the person I am are not one and the same. My ambition is one facet of me; I am so much more than ambitious. And I have to remind myself daily that I have permission to exist beyond my wins and failures; I deserve to just exist and have that be enough.

On my 27th birthday, one of my best friends wrote these words in a card that resonate with me to this day, “Sometimes we can’t see beyond the women we are striving to be, to see how great, amazing, fantastic and wonderful we already are. Use this moment and these thoughts to hold a mirror that reflects your goodness and wholeness back at you.” Although I’m disappointed that coronavirus disrupted my 30th birthday girl’s trip plans, I am grateful for the time at home, alone, with more than enough time to reflect on my life…I needed this time to process more than I realized. So since i’ve got the time, here are 10 things i’ve learned, and am still learning from my experiences over the past 10 years.

1. Grace makes way for your ambition. You’ve learned to persist and strive for the wrong incentives — to prove people wrong; to prove yourself worthy. Then one day, you realize your ambition can be harmful if you don’t acknowledge the grace on your life that allows you to strive. And then you keep striving, but this time, not to prove, but because you’re grateful for the opportunity to continue becoming the best version of yourself — for a purpose that extends beyond you.
2. Everyone has an agenda for you, and you have no obligation to adhere to it if it doesn’t align with yours. You have to be bold enough to shun people’s ideas of who or what they think you’re supposed to be. Life begins on the other side of holding too closely to people’s expectations of you. It’s an uncomfortable process, yes, but the freedom of walking in the truth of who you were created to be is worth it all.
3. Your plans and your purpose won’t always be aligned. In those moments, God will course correct in ways that may feel painful, but will ultimately work out for your good. (one caveat though — you’ve got to be willing to yield to purpose).
4. Your faith journey, your relationship with God is just that…it’s yours. Need I say more? Take counsel. Listen to spiritual leaders whom you trust and know mean you well, but don’t allow people’s traditions to distort the truth of who God really is and what God thinks of you. God wants relationship; God wants you. And the beautiful thing about God is when you seek Him and seek Him with all of your heart, you will find Him. PeriodT.
5. The potential you’re afraid of not actualizing, it actualizes eventually, as soon as you learn to let go of the useless fear of failure.
6. Racism and sexism are going to wage war against you, and you’ll find that having to fight them will lead to some of your lowest moments. Fighting them will also lead you to your life’s work. You have a knack for channeling rage into something constructive — It’s a painful process, but it’s powerful. Welcome to Black womanhood.
7. You can’t possess people, you experience them. Love is a choice. Love is a verb. You choose who you show up for. That action of showing up is how you give love, and it’s how you should expect to receive love. Know what you’re willing to give, and be vulnerable. Know what you need, and don’t be shy to ask for it. Know your boundaries, and honor them. Experience people, experience love, but don’t try to possess them.
8. Degrees and accomplishments don’t define you; they’re reflections of your hard work and (if you keep it one hunnid) sometimes your connections. You can’t allow things or moments to define the essence of who you are. That’s a slippery slope to an unfulfilled and shallow life at best, and a narcissistic one at worst.
9. You master “the game,” don’t let it master you. You’ve learned how to move strategically at church, at work, and in various social settings. The politics of existing in harmony with your environment is something you’ve mastered, but don’t always care to play into. Sometimes you play, sometimes you revolt — it’s what makes you, you. Folks will deal…or they won’t. The gag is, the moment you stop caring about the latter, you automatically win.
10. Your ministry requires your authenticity. God made you with purpose. Every good and messy thing about you and your story can be used for God’s glory.The mistakes you’ve allowed to define you, expose the lies you’ve been told (but thank God for therapy…and bottomless brunch with girlfriends!). God can use the most shameful thing about you to elevate you. The things you so desperately want to keep hidden can be refined if you give God the raw materials, and allow Him to work in you so He can work through you.

And on that note…here goes 30.

Salud!

Selah.